Would you turn your guy down if he told you his intention to live with his parents after he gets married? :knockflow

Would you turn your guy down if he told you his intention to live with his parents after he gets married? :knockflow


This is a very good question. It is a concern for many today.

I think the best option is to live sep. from the parents of either couple. It puts less strain on the relationship between the newly weds. Two people from different homes and preferences are trying to compromise and build a strong family and the only presence in that relationship should be their presence and G-d's. I think that it would be very difficult for a girl, because she would have to please her husband and also learn to please his parents (and possibly siblings), whos tastes may differ from their son's.
I also think that it takes time to become comfortable with one another on a physical level. I once heard a friend's aunt tell the two of us that her mother-in-law would walk into their bedroom in the middle of the night because she was sleep walking, or attempting to find the way to the bathroom while her mind was still grogy with sleep.
Also, a wife may feel comfortable with her husband and she may dress extra sluty (at least I intend to do that in the privacy of my home with my husband after I get married), but she may not feel comfortable enough to do this if she lived with her husband's parents.
And last but not least: what's a wife supposed to do if she has an argument with her husband? She can't exactly hand him the pillow and a blanket and tell him to sleep on the couch if his parents are living with them... :p :D

This is a very good question. It is a concern for many today.

I think the best option is to live sep. from the parents of either couple. It puts less strain on the relationship between the newly weds. Two people from different homes and preferences are trying to compromise and build a strong family and the only presence in that relationship should be their presence and G-d's. I think that it would be very difficult for a girl, because she would have to please her husband and also learn to please his parents (and possibly siblings), whos tastes may differ from their son's.
I also think that it takes time to become comfortable with one another on a physical level. I once heard a friend's aunt tell the two of us that her mother-in-law would walk into their bedroom in the middle of the night because she was sleep walking, or attempting to find the way to the bathroom while her mind was still grogy with sleep.
Also, a wife may feel comfortable with her husband and she may dress extra sluty (at least I intend to do that in the privacy of my home with my husband after I get married), but she may not feel comfortable enough to do this if she lived with her husband's parents.
And last but not least: what's a wife supposed to do if she has an argument with her husband? She can't exactly hand him the pillow and a blanket and tell him to sleep on the couch if his parents are living with them... :p :D


I absolutely agree with you Natasha, but at the same time you cannot as they say po-russki: brosit roditeley na proisvol sudbi, especially when they need you, when they're old. So maybe as you said live separately but get an apartment next door from them. This way his parents know that you're guys are there and at the same time she can tell her hubby to sleep on the couch LoL
:evilgrin3

I absolutely agree with you Natasha, but at the same time you cannot as they say po-russki: brosit roditeley na proisvol sudbi, especially when they need you, when they're old. So maybe as you said live separately but get an apartment next door from them. This way his parents know that you're guys are there and at the same time she can tell her hubby to sleep on the couch LoL
:evilgrin3

Literally next door is the same thing as living together. I think to live near by is a good idea, especially if his/her parents are in need of their help. I do not think that people should not "brosit roditeley na proisvol sudbi", I think they should help. If it's financial help then write out a check every month. If it's to help them shopping arrange one day each week when you can shop for yourself and take them as well, we all need to shop so can't use the "I don't have time excuse". If they need help around the house and time is an issue then hire somebody to come for a few hours to help them cook/clean or whatever. I'm not saying you can't help. I'm saying living together is a bad idea.

Literally next door is the same thing as living together.

How is living next door considered to be living together? Is there a requisite for the houses to be at least one block or one door appart? Is living in different apartments but in the same building considered "living together"? :innoc08:

How is living next door considered to be living together? Is there a requisite for the houses to be at least one block or one door appart? Is living in different apartments but in the same building considered "living together"? :innoc08:

Some people buy two/three family houses and live with their parents. I consider that living together. It would be rude for them to live as sep. families. They would ALWAYS spend dinners and shabbat and all holidays together. Sometimes it's nice to be alone. Anyway, also if two families live together they always know each other's problems. I don't think it's right to share problems/complaints...especially with in-laws.

How is living next door considered to be living together? Is there a requisite for the houses to be at least one block or one door appart? Is living in different apartments but in the same building considered "living together"? :innoc08:

Good point

Some people buy two/three family houses and live with their parents. I consider that living together. It would be rude for them to live as sep. families. They would ALWAYS spend dinners and shabbat and all holidays together. Sometimes it's nice to be alone. Anyway, also if two families live together they always know each other's problems. I don't think it's right to share problems/complaints...especially with in-laws.

Imagine you got married to a guy who is the only child to his parents, and they have as you said 2-family house. What are you gonna do?

Some people buy two/three family houses and live with their parents. I consider that living together. It would be rude for them to live as sep. families. They would ALWAYS spend dinners and shabbat and all holidays together. Sometimes it's nice to be alone. Anyway, also if two families live together they always know each other's problems. I don't think it's right to share problems/complaints...especially with in-laws.

So your definition of living together is to live under the same roof then. Is living in separate apartments but in the same building follows the same definition of living together since after all they are living under the same roof. How far to live from the husband's parents would you prefer? :fight56:

So your definition of living together is to live under the same roof then. Is living in separate apartments but in the same building follows the same definition of living together since after all they are living under the same roof. How far to live from the husband's parents would you prefer? :fight56:

Same building but not on the same floor is good. It would be better if it was another wing of the building. Still close enough to help if they ever need assitance but far enough to keep some privacy...which is necessary between a married couple.

Imagine you got married to a guy who is the only child to his parents, and they have as you said 2-family house. What are you gonna do?

Ask him to get another place if possible.
I don't believe in neglecting parents, but I do think that personal space is a necessity.

Ask him to get another place if possible.
I don't believe in neglecting parents, but I do think that personal space is a necessity.

1. How far should that place be from his parents?
2. What if it's not possible?

1. How far should that place be from his parents?
2. What if it's not possible?

Far enough to afford privacy to both families. I think it also depends on the guy. If the guy is a "mamsik" then even if he lives an half an hour away from his parents he will still be a "mamsik". If he's independent and understands how to handle his wife and his parents then it wouldn't matter if he lived on the same block with them.
If it's not possible then it's up to the girl to decide. Every situation is different. Reasons for wanting to live with his parents are important to know. His personality plays a major role in the final decision. A girl's own character plays a role, as well. It's a major decision. And I don't have the right answer. I'm just stating how I feel about this situation.

Far enough to afford privacy to both families. I think it also depends on the guy. If the guy is a "mamsik" then even if he lives an half an hour away from his parents he will still be a "mamsik". If he's independent and understands how to handle his wife and his parents then it wouldn't matter if he lived on the same block with them.
If it's not possible then it's up to the girl to decide. Every situation is different. Reasons for wanting to live with his parents are important to know. His personality plays a major role in the final decision. A girl's own character plays a role, as well. It's a major decision. And I don't have the right answer. I'm just stating how I feel about this situation.


I 100% with Natasha. Divorce=Living with parents. In America thank G-d we all have a great opportunity to live separate. Marriage is hard enough, why make it more difficult by living together with parents??
If a man wants to live with his parents then in my opinion he is nothing but a mama's boy. We should always help our parents with whatever they need. But our parents should also not want to live with us.
There can only be ONE woman of the house!!!!!!

I 100% with Natasha. Divorce=Living with parents. In America thank G-d we all have a great opportunity to live separate. Marriage is hard enough, why make it more difficult by living together with parents??
If a man wants to live with his parents then in my opinion he is nothing but a mama's boy. We should always help our parents with whatever they need. But our parents should also not want to live with us.
There can only be ONE woman of the house!!!!!!


Lenchiknyc, I think you're forgetting your lubovnitza. :happy25: That makes it TWO women..

Lenchiknyc, I think you're forgetting your lubovnitza. :happy25: That makes it TWO women..

Lubovnitza is not gonna live with you. She is probably gonna live far away from u. Plus living with parents, will increase your hubby's chances of getting a lubovnitza!!!!!

I 100% with Natasha. Divorce=Living with parents. In America thank G-d we all have a great opportunity to live separate. Marriage is hard enough, why make it more difficult by living together with parents??
If a man wants to live with his parents then in my opinion he is nothing but a mama's boy. We should always help our parents with whatever they need. But our parents should also not want to live with us.
There can only be ONE woman of the house!!!!!!


i agree a chto esli u eto parnya ostalas odna staraya mama or papa? chto emu delat? kak brosit mat' odnu i bolnuu na proizvol sudbi? mat' kotoraya ne spala nochami ta mat' kotoraya otdala vse radi shasttya svoego ditya. Nado smotret so vsex storon. and it all depends on circmustances i think.

i agree a chto esli u eto parnya ostalas odna staraya mama or papa? chto emu delat? kak brosit mat' odnu i bolnuu na proizvol sudbi? mat' kotoraya ne spala nochami ta mat' kotoraya otdala vse radi shasttya svoego ditya. Nado smotret so vsex storon. and it all depends on circmustances i think.

Esli mat' ostalas' odna, you can hire her a home attendant. U can visit her as much as you can. But still NO living together!!!!!!

i agree a chto esli u eto parnya ostalas odna staraya mama or papa? chto emu delat? kak brosit mat' odnu i bolnuu na proizvol sudbi? mat' kotoraya ne spala nochami ta mat' kotoraya otdala vse radi shasttya svoego ditya. Nado smotret so vsex storon. and it all depends on circmustances i think.

HHHmmmm...you say "nado smotret so vsex storon"...let's say the situation is the reverse. Your wife-to-be has very elderly and sick parents (G-d forbid) and her only option is to live with them. Would you concent to marry this girl? Would most guys?

Esli mat' ostalas' odna, you can hire her a home attendant. U can visit her as much as you can. But still NO living together!!!!!!


aha u do that:) u do that:)

vidno kakaya ti dochka:) ti zabivaesh odno net nichego strashnee v zhizni kak odinochestvo...............

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors, Hedge Fund operators and prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffer."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Menachim, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. "The chicken was
delicious!"

aha u do that:) u do that:)

vidno kakaya ti dochka:) ti zabivaesh odno net nichego strashnee v zhizni kak odinochestvo...............

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors, Hedge Fund operators and prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffer."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Menachim, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. "The chicken was
delicious!"

Look, it all depends on the situation. Obviously if G-d forbid, my mother is really really sick, then of course I would take her in. But if she was just left alone without a husband and can live alone. She would live alone.
My grandma, lives alone. And she is very happy, she would never want to live with us.
And don't make a judgement, kakya ya dochka. U don't know me and don't rush to make any judgements.

Look, it all depends on the situation. Obviously if G-d forbid, my mother is really really sick, then of course I would take her in. But if she was just left alone without a husband and can live alone. She would live alone.
My grandma, lives alone. And she is very happy, she would never want to live with us.
And don't make a judgement, kakya ya dochka. U don't know me and don't rush to make any judgements.


my grandma lives with us. and my father is the only child. Ona dva raza bolela rakom. Thank G-d 2 times she recovered. U know why? because of he family support.(we are around her 24/7). if she lived alone she would not suvive. Ne kakaya home attendant ne budet tak smotryat kak rodnaya dochka ili sin. xotya est exceptions.

my grandma lives with us. and my father is the only child. Ona dva raza bolela rakom. Thank G-d 2 times she recovered. U know why? because of he family support.(we are around her 24/7). if she lived alone she would not suvive. Ne kakaya home attendant ne budet tak smotryat kak rodnaya dochka ili sin. xotya est exceptions.

Jewishguy, you are mixing up two things here: a) living with parents for newlyweds and b) living with parents for a family that is already established.

Different rules apply to both ;)

Jewishguy, you are mixing up two things here: a) living with parents for newlyweds and b) living with parents for a family that is already established.

Different rules apply to both ;)


wise man:) professor wiseman:) ne umnichai:) :fight56:

Would you turn your guy down if he told you his intention to live with his parents after he gets married? :knockflow


Guys say many things. Find out why he says that, why he thinks that? What are the options and then talk it over.

But if he decided 100% that he will live with his parents forever then I think he should continue living with them and I will continue looking for the right guy. After all we can't tell people what to do.

Parents always stay parents, they will always tell you what to do, especially if you live with them. And they always think that their way is the right way, just because they have more "experience". Often when they mean well and insist that you do as they advice you, they end up living your life for you. They don't want you and your spouse to make mistakes and try to do anything they can to prevent you from falling, and by this they not letting your live. IT'S OK TO MAKE MISTAKES, AT LEAST YOU KNOW THEY ARE YOURS. PEOPLE HAVE MORE CHANCES LEARNING FROM THEIR OWN MISTAKES THAN LEARNING FROM MISTAKES OF OTHERS, BECAUSE PEOPLE TEND TO THINK SUCH THINGS MAY NOT HAPPEN TO ME.

Guys think that girls are just being difficult, and selfish, and both sexes always end up having this war. I do understand guys' point of view, those that make sense sometimes, and that among us there are those who are close to their parents than others. But then you have to find a girl that will share your views and not try to change the girl you got, and then think something is wrong with her when she will refuse to change. I don't want to repeat myself but, Dve matki ne yzhivautsya v odnom ulii(a house for honey bees). We have only one life and i think we all have the right to live it in a way that will make us happy.

It depends. I would probably consider living with his parents for a little while if we are not financially able to afford our own place.

Esli mat' ostalas' odna, you can hire her a home attendant. U can visit her as much as you can. But still NO living together!!!!!!

What if G-d forbid it would be your mother or father, would you hire a home attendant? Sorry for Being so specific.

What if G-d forbid it would be your mother or father, would you hire a home attendant? Sorry for Being so specific.

IF G-d forbid they get sick, then no. They can stay with me. But if one of them were to be left alone, I would probably not take them in. NOT BECAUSE I WOULD NOT WANT TO BUT BECAUSE I AM SURE THAT ONE OF THEM WOULD NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH ME.
My grandma lives by herself and she does not want to live with us. She is fine and she likes it where her appartment is. She lives in the beach and she has her friends there. We come and visit her as much as we can and she also comes over. When she needed us, trust me my dear, she stayed with us. And there was no debate about that.
In my culture, y nas ne prinyato jit' vmeste. So when i get married I am sure I have nothing to worry about. Because i know that he will not want to live with his parents.

IF G-d forbid they get sick, then no. They can stay with me. But if one of them were to be left alone, I would probably not take them in. NOT BECAUSE I WOULD NOT WANT TO BUT BECAUSE I AM SURE THAT ONE OF THEM WOULD NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH ME.
My grandma lives by herself and she does not want to live with us. She is fine and she likes it where her appartment is. She lives in the beach and she has her friends there. We come and visit her as much as we can and she also comes over. When she needed us, trust me my dear, she stayed with us. And there was no debate about that.
In my culture, y nas ne prinyato jit' vmeste. So when i get married I am sure I have nothing to worry about. Because i know that he will not want to live with his parents.

Sorry to ask you, but what is your culture?

Sorry to ask you, but what is your culture?

I am an ashkenadzi jew. I am not buharian. Sorry :-)

well said. It all depends on circustance. If both parents are well and functioning and you can afford to live separately, then do so. But if you have, G-d forbid, aged parents who can't take care of themselve or it's difficult for them then you should make the efford to accomidate to their needs. I also think it should work both ways for the guys parents as well as the girls parents.

I think the best option is to live sep. from the parents of either couple. It puts less strain on the relationship between the newly weds. Two people from different homes and preferences are trying to compromise and build a strong family and the only presence in that relationship should be their presence and G-d's. I think that it would be very difficult for a girl, because she would have to please her husband and also learn to please his parents (and possibly siblings), whos tastes may differ from their son's. :D
Natasha, you remd me of the following saying "Man' namerum khoni shaskhar(sho') az baroyi modari sho;!" There is actualy also a such a song which they sometimes sing especialy if Tamara Katayeva is present~since she wrote the song...

I am an ashkenadzi jew. I am not buharian. Sorry :-)

hmmmmm are u sorry for being an ashkenazi jew? lol
evrei on i v afrike evrei:) are u saying that u will get married only to an ashkenazi jew just because he will not live with his parents?

No offence but i think ashkenazi people have a lot to learn from buharian jews.
The way we keep our jewish traditions and religion. :fight56:

Guys say many things. Find out why he says that, why he thinks that? What are the options and then talk it over.

But if he decided 100% that he will live with his parents forever then I think he should continue living with them and I will continue looking for the right guy. After all we can't tell people what to do.
Parents always stay parents, they will always tell you what to do, especially if you live with them. And they always think that their way is the right way, just because they have more "experience". Often when they mean well and insist that you do as they advice you, they end up living your life for you. They don't want you and your spouse to make mistakes and try to do anything they can to prevent you from falling, and by this they not letting your live. IT'S OK TO MAKE MISTAKES, AT LEAST YOU KNOW THEY ARE YOURS. PEOPLE HAVE MORE CHANCES LEARNING FROM THEIR OWN MISTAKES THAN LEARNING FROM MISTAKES OF OTHERS, BECAUSE PEOPLE TEND TO THINK SUCH THINGS MAY NOT HAPPEN TO ME.

Guys think that girls are just being difficult, and selfish, and both sexes always end up having this war. I do understand guys' point of view, those that make sense sometimes, and that among us there are those who are close to their parents than others. But then you have to find a girl that will share your views and not try to change the girl you got, and then think something is wrong with her when she will refuse to change. I don't want to repeat myself but, Dve matki ne yzhivautsya v odnom ulii(a house for honey bees). We have only one life and i think we all have the right to live it in a way that will make us happy.

There's nothing in this world that's forever. Just letting you know.
But with the rest I agree with you. It's a big issue for a guy who's in the situation where he can't leave his parents, and a girl who doesn't want to live with his parents. I believe that in this situation there's a middle ground, meaning there's a room for compromise. Both have to talk about it and find that middle ground. Ktoto ustupit seychas, ktoto potom. As a saying goes "What Goes around Comes around"

hmmmmm are u sorry for being an ashkenazi jew? lol
evrei on i v afrike evrei:) are u saying that u will get married only to an ashkenazi jew just because he will not live with his parents?

No offence but i think ashkenazi people have a lot to learn from buharian jews.
The way we keep our jewish traditions and religion. :fight56:

I am not sorry for being ashkenadzi!!! Will you only marry a buharian girl?? I am assuming that you would!!!!
I don't agree that we have a lot to learn from Buharian. You guys follow jewduasim in your way and we follow it in our. Just because 2 cultures are different doesn't mean that one is right and the other one is wrong!!!! I already said that!!!!
But I will want to marry an Ashkenadzi, b/c he would live without his parents. And I agree with that. A buharian guy would be tooo religious for me and since I am not buharian I would not know that culture. I was raised to be a certain way and at my age I am not about to change the whole lifestyle. And I like my ways and my culture.
And there are a lot of things that buharian culture does that I do not agree with but that does not mean that I think that is wrong. I accept your culture and you should accept mine. We all have to learn to agree to disagree!!!!

I am not sorry for being ashkenadzi!!! Will you only marry a buharian girl?? I am assuming that you would!!!!
I don't agree that we have a lot to learn from Buharian. You guys follow jewduasim in your way and we follow it in our. Just because 2 cultures are different doesn't mean that one is right and the other one is wrong!!!! I already said that!!!!
But I will want to marry an Ashkenadzi, b/c he would live without his parents. And I agree with that. A buharian guy would be tooo religious for me and since I am not buharian I would not know that culture. I was raised to be a certain way and at my age I am not about to change the whole lifestyle. And I like my ways and my culture.
And there are a lot of things that buharian culture does that I do not agree with but that does not mean that I think that is wrong. I accept your culture and you should accept mine. We all have to learn to agree to disagree!!!!

excuse me but nobody was asking u to change your life style:) 2 cultures are different but religia odna:) v odnoi iz 10 zapovedei.........lubi blizhnego svoego kak samogo sebya . tak chto lenochka mi tebya vse lubim. :evilgr39:

excuse me but nobody was asking u to change your life style:) 2 cultures are different but religia odna:) v odnoi iz 10 zapovedei.........lubi blizhnego svoego kak samogo sebya . tak chto lenochka mi tebya vse lubim. :evilgr39:

We are not talking about religion, we are talking about cultures. And buharian culture is different from Hundul' culture.

We are not talking about religion, we are talking about cultures. And buharian culture is different from Hundul' culture.

different cultures with the same religion. it cannot go that far:) once u go black u never come back:)

different cultures with the same religion. it cannot go that far:) once u go black u never come back:)

I don't think religion has anything to do with it!!! It's not in jewish religion to live together with parents. But in buharian culture it is no surprise, in hundul' culture it is almost not heard of!!!

I don't think religion has anything to do with it!!! It's not in jewish religion to live together with parents. But in buharian culture it is no surprise, in hundul' culture it is almost not heard of!!!


da ladno tebe ya znau mnogo xudulei kotorie zhivut so svoei teshei:) :happy25:

da ladno tebe ya znau mnogo xudulei kotorie zhivut so svoei teshei:) :happy25:

There is a word for that: Mamen'kiy sinochik!!!

There is a word for that: Mamen'kiy sinochik!!!


Tesha is not a mama........... :bonk:

HHHmmmm...you say "nado smotret so vsex storon"...let's say the situation is the reverse. Your wife-to-be has very elderly and sick parents (G-d forbid) and her only option is to live with them. Would you concent to marry this girl? Would most guys?

Unfortunately there are people within our community who do that. They live with both in-laws and claim both their pension checks for themselves.
:fight56: