lenkacutie
02-01-2006, 03:50 PM
Cont.
The Future of Marriage
Q: Do you think expectations for marriage today are more or less unrealistic?
Dr. Phil: I think people's ideas about marriage have been pretty static, but the times have changed. We've now got a double-income society where some 70 percent of husbands and wives are both working, and families have adjusted their lifestyles accordingly. So if one parent drops out and stops bringing home a paycheck, there's tremendous financial pressure. The number one complaint divorce attorneys hear about is money pressure. Unfortunately, couples get into dire straits and turn on each other. They're not working on the actual problem -- they're venting frustration and fear at each other.
Q: Many people say that when it comes to marriage, they're seeking nothing less than a soul mate. Is that asking too much?
Dr. Phil: What's a soul mate? It's just a term somebody made up, and with it comes some pretty mystical expectations. I've long believed that if you're looking for that perfect partner you're making a big mistake. If you can find an 80 percent fit and hope that you'll grow together on the other 20 percent, you'll find happiness a lot quicker. You wait for a 100 percent partner and you're going to be looking a long time, maybe forever. But if you're okay on the core issues -- children, careers, division of labor, religion, handling in-laws -- then you jump in and handle the other things as they come along.
Q: Your elder son, Jay, recently became engaged to Erica Dahm, an ex-Playboy playmate. Have they followed your advice?
Dr. Phil: I think Jay and Erica have been very authentic in what they value in their relationship thus far. They started as most people do by going on dates where they were all spruced up and putting their best foot forward. I've often said you should never marry anybody until you've seen each other miserable sick with the flu. They've been together long enough -- more than a year -- and they have.
Q: How significant a role does physical attraction play in finding and staying with a mate?
Dr. Phil: Well, it's an old truth that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears. Beauty does hook a guy at first, and I think this is genetic -- men, we're the hunters, watching for movement and color. I think that's why guys are so fast with the remote control. You know -- move, move, action, action -- I think we're hardwired that way. But physical attraction won't sustain a relationship. What will sustain a relationship is personality: the spirit, the compatibility, the complementary nature between a man and woman.
Q: What if the wife outearns the husband? It's increasingly common, but still a very touchy issue.
Dr. Phil: There are a lot of smart, capable, energetic, self-sufficient women out there -- and many men are hugely intimidated by that, especially if she makes more money, which makes him feel he has nothing to offer her. In a healthy marriage, the woman is able to say, "No, I don't need your money, I don't need your financial support, I don't need you to prop me up in life, but I do need your love and companionship." She can be competent in all those ways and yet convey to her husband that he has a lot to offer her because she feels good when she's around him -- she has a sense of belonging and feels emotionally nurtured. That's particularly important where one partner continues to grow career-wise in a marriage and the other doesn't. It's important to say I need you for things that money can't buy.
Q: Much of your advice is directed at wives, telling them how they can be proactive in their marriages. But many women resent always having to shoulder that burden. Why can't men step up to the plate?
Dr. Phil: It's not that it's the woman who needs to do it, they just happen to be my main audience. If you want to wait for your husband to get smart because you don't want to be proactive, it's okay with me. But if you want to fix your problems now, which is what women are telling me, then I'm going to tell you what you have to do. It doesn't mean that women should have to. It doesn't mean it's fair. But it's what will get results. And no matter who takes the initiative, it takes both husband and wife to work things out. But I'd say the exact same thing to men -- and I do when I talk to them.
Q: How hard should you fight to save a troubled marriage? When's the time to bail out?
Dr. Phil: That's different for every couple, but overall people in America quit too soon. It's tough enough to make a marriage work when both people are leaning way forward, so to speak. If one of them is leaning back, then you've really got a problem. And there are some drop-dead deal breakers: physical abuse, drug addiction, things of that nature. But aside from those, you've got to work on it. Too many people are divorcing these days around the two-year mark, saying marriage just wasn't what they expected and they're worn out. I'd like more of them to just hang in there and wait for that next peak down the road.
The Future of Marriage
Q: Do you think expectations for marriage today are more or less unrealistic?
Dr. Phil: I think people's ideas about marriage have been pretty static, but the times have changed. We've now got a double-income society where some 70 percent of husbands and wives are both working, and families have adjusted their lifestyles accordingly. So if one parent drops out and stops bringing home a paycheck, there's tremendous financial pressure. The number one complaint divorce attorneys hear about is money pressure. Unfortunately, couples get into dire straits and turn on each other. They're not working on the actual problem -- they're venting frustration and fear at each other.
Q: Many people say that when it comes to marriage, they're seeking nothing less than a soul mate. Is that asking too much?
Dr. Phil: What's a soul mate? It's just a term somebody made up, and with it comes some pretty mystical expectations. I've long believed that if you're looking for that perfect partner you're making a big mistake. If you can find an 80 percent fit and hope that you'll grow together on the other 20 percent, you'll find happiness a lot quicker. You wait for a 100 percent partner and you're going to be looking a long time, maybe forever. But if you're okay on the core issues -- children, careers, division of labor, religion, handling in-laws -- then you jump in and handle the other things as they come along.
Q: Your elder son, Jay, recently became engaged to Erica Dahm, an ex-Playboy playmate. Have they followed your advice?
Dr. Phil: I think Jay and Erica have been very authentic in what they value in their relationship thus far. They started as most people do by going on dates where they were all spruced up and putting their best foot forward. I've often said you should never marry anybody until you've seen each other miserable sick with the flu. They've been together long enough -- more than a year -- and they have.
Q: How significant a role does physical attraction play in finding and staying with a mate?
Dr. Phil: Well, it's an old truth that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears. Beauty does hook a guy at first, and I think this is genetic -- men, we're the hunters, watching for movement and color. I think that's why guys are so fast with the remote control. You know -- move, move, action, action -- I think we're hardwired that way. But physical attraction won't sustain a relationship. What will sustain a relationship is personality: the spirit, the compatibility, the complementary nature between a man and woman.
Q: What if the wife outearns the husband? It's increasingly common, but still a very touchy issue.
Dr. Phil: There are a lot of smart, capable, energetic, self-sufficient women out there -- and many men are hugely intimidated by that, especially if she makes more money, which makes him feel he has nothing to offer her. In a healthy marriage, the woman is able to say, "No, I don't need your money, I don't need your financial support, I don't need you to prop me up in life, but I do need your love and companionship." She can be competent in all those ways and yet convey to her husband that he has a lot to offer her because she feels good when she's around him -- she has a sense of belonging and feels emotionally nurtured. That's particularly important where one partner continues to grow career-wise in a marriage and the other doesn't. It's important to say I need you for things that money can't buy.
Q: Much of your advice is directed at wives, telling them how they can be proactive in their marriages. But many women resent always having to shoulder that burden. Why can't men step up to the plate?
Dr. Phil: It's not that it's the woman who needs to do it, they just happen to be my main audience. If you want to wait for your husband to get smart because you don't want to be proactive, it's okay with me. But if you want to fix your problems now, which is what women are telling me, then I'm going to tell you what you have to do. It doesn't mean that women should have to. It doesn't mean it's fair. But it's what will get results. And no matter who takes the initiative, it takes both husband and wife to work things out. But I'd say the exact same thing to men -- and I do when I talk to them.
Q: How hard should you fight to save a troubled marriage? When's the time to bail out?
Dr. Phil: That's different for every couple, but overall people in America quit too soon. It's tough enough to make a marriage work when both people are leaning way forward, so to speak. If one of them is leaning back, then you've really got a problem. And there are some drop-dead deal breakers: physical abuse, drug addiction, things of that nature. But aside from those, you've got to work on it. Too many people are divorcing these days around the two-year mark, saying marriage just wasn't what they expected and they're worn out. I'd like more of them to just hang in there and wait for that next peak down the road.